Travelin' Jack

I'll be travelin' a wee bit to get to one cute ass dork!
But seeing his face when he gets that.....!
Save me a seat Amtrak.

Believe

This clip is from the movie, Run Lola Run. This song is how I start my work out on that bastard cross trainer. When I'm on that cross trainer. I am Lola. I am running. I wish I was a hunter.

The begining part to this song is in German. In English it translates to:

Lola (asks Mani)

What would you do if I died?

I wouldn't let you die.

Being specific

Reading a book about creative visualization I decided to invent some of my own. He does write in his book to keep your visualizations private. Your loved ones may mock you or fear that you'll leave them behind. Ok. So I created some. And they keep getting more detailed. When I go for walks, I get in these visualizations. I sit in the rooms I created and admire things I've made. I keep seeing a small cottage in the woods. It has pine trees around, and possibly by a brook or stream (damn you Thomas Kinkade, you painter of light!) I posted a blog in October that had this cute cottage pictured. I keep seeing either the light above at the front entrance or something like this second one. It shifts. I do see a specific date and I'm outside this house or something close. I'm so overwhelmed I can't stop crying with happiness. The door opens and someone comes out to see why I won't come in and why I'm crying. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Bed of love

Bed of love
Originally uploaded by Debora Drower.

I'm in a hospital. Hooked to a host of beeping machines. I have IV tubes snaking all over me. I'm barely a person lost in all this machinery. The doctor comes in looking grave. He resembles a gruff friend of mine and he says, "Drower, either you fight this or it wins, it's your choice." I lay back on the pillow with barely any strength and wish it would all end. It could end with me surviving, getting stronger. Or I could just float away and never look back. Float away and never look back.

Just playing the record

"On New Year's Eve, 1977, we were invited to meet with Grace Jones at Studio 5 but she didn't leave our name at the door and the doorman wouldn't let us in. Studio 54 was that kind of place. Our music might be playing inside, but the place was packed for New Year's Eve and this was early in our career. Anyway, my apartment happened to be one block away, so Bernard and I went there to sort of quell our sorrows. We grabbed a couple of bottles of champagne from the corner liquor store and then went back to my place, plugged in our instruments and started jamming."

"And since we were feeling bad, we played music to make us feel good. We started jamming on the now-famous riff — It was just something that happened.So I incorporated a little linear lick and we started singing, 'f**k off!' [Repeats the lick.] 'Aaaaahh, fuck off!'

"So 'Fuck Off' was a protest song, and we actually thought it was pretty good — 'Aaaaahh, f**k off!' It had a vibe. I was thinking 'This could be the anthem of everybody who gets cut off on the street by a cab driver or any kids who want to say this to their parents.' You know, 'Hey, I wasn't saying it, man! I was just playing the record.'"

A quiz to figure out your Dork Quotient...

A dork is:
1. Slang A stupid, inept, or foolish person
2. Vulgar Slang - The penis.

What is your dork quotient...
1. Are you slow at getting jokes?
a) Nah, I usually get 'em right away.
b) Most of the time. No one will explain them to me anymore.
c) Actually, I don't think most jokes are very funny.

2. When you do get them, do you laugh strangely?
a) No.
b) Yeah.
c) I don't laugh.

3. Have you ever tripped over a smooth sidewalk?
a) Once or twice.
b) If I'm not paying attention.
c) No. I never look up from the sidewalk.

4. ...While you were making eye contact with someone attractive?
a) No, I try not to be a dumbass.
b) Rather often, actually.
c) Eye contact?

5. What do your friends think of you?
a) That I'm a pretty cool person.
b) That I'm weird, but in a good way.
c) Friends?

6. Does your clothing match right now?
a) Of course.
b) Kind of.
c) My computer doesn't care, so why should I?

7. Do you go out on Friday and Saturday nights?
a) Almost always.
b) Sometimes.
c) No, the library closes at 5.

8. Can you do dialogue along with the Holy Grail?
a) The what?
b) Can and do.
c) I don't watch movies.

9. Who do you most closely identify with?
a) Kermit.
b) Gonzo.
c) Scooter.

10. How do you react if someone refers to you as 'strange'?
a) I'm a little insulted.
b) I take it as a compliment.
c) I ignore them and resume work.

11. Do you have a web page?
a) No.
b) Yes.
c) No, I have real work to do.

12. How do you react when you meet somebody's kids?
a) I pat them on the head and say hi.
b) We'll usually engage in an ugly-face contest.
c) I avoid children.


Scoring...
Mostly A's
Mostly B's
Mostly C's

Fergalicious

Here's me and the Duchess of York. My mom thinks we look like sisters. She's certain she could prove we actually are related. It's a stretch. By that same stretch, I could related to the other Fergie. She's Fergalicious and then by association so am I.

Knotty pinings

My grandma had a knotty pine basement like this. It's so expensive to try to recreate. I priced it out. I'd need the wood slide and Grandpa's billards table. And that odd heater that had flames. And the scary room with the boiler and washer (with a window) and dryer. Somewhere there are pictures of that place on Virginia.
You can visit the site where this photo is from and see their extensive collection of retro ad stuff. As good as a real knotty pine basement.

Somewhere Out There..

Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.

I found this video and even though the opening credits go on - it's really sweet. It's dedicated to you, the man of my dreams. Wherever you may be.

Swiss Colony memories

Mmmm...
Originally uploaded by mirthblaster36.

As a fat kid, the Swiss Colony catalog was crack for me. Oh god. All the gorgeous shots of the food. The best part, the hiding in the bathroom with the faucets going, was the candy part. Honest to god. I would get so fucking hot looking at the candy. Or did it all just boil down to the that Disneyesque logo. Either way, I totally get you Cartman, when you sing about the Swiss Colony Beef Log. (Scroll down and it's Windows Media Player only - sorry Mac users)

I have even driven past it in Monroe, Wis. Rock on Swiss Colony.

Mother tries to comfort me;
She says "Here, Son, have some eggnog."
I fucking hate eggnog, seriously.

The Littlest Snowman

The Littlest Snowman
Originally uploaded by Neato Coolville.

I wish we had used this image at Big Bell Ice Cream for our holiday greeting card. It's too late. This so freakin' rocks.

Tear down the messs

I was at the Walker Art Center a few weeks ago to see the British Advertising Awards. We had a few minutes to spare so we were walking around. There's this "Heart of Darkness" exhibit that was hideous. It's crap strewn around and odd stains on furniture. It was so off-putting, we quickly left. A yucky mess.


Rich chocolate mess
Originally uploaded by rcvernors.

My favorite way to describe something is to call it a rich chocolately mess. It sounds tasty. Cute kid.


Tear down
Originally uploaded by gen gibson.

Talking to Gigi today, I was describing a friend. I first said he was a mess (henceforth the images of various messes) but I retracted that and said he was worse than that, he was a complete tear-down. I just made it up on the spot. Yup, a complete and total tear down.

You probably think this song is about you

Sweetie, they ARE all about you!
Don't read too much into it.

Wheel Of Fortune

Will the arrow point my way
Will this be my day?

Ain't No Other Man

I shouldn't admit it to you

Even though you don't know

Or won't tell

There ain't no other man

It's true

Ain't no other man

But you

Bitch

bitch pin
Originally uploaded by crazycatladymel.

Bitch.

I play my cards close to my chest
Try to guess the hand I hold
And never will you see me cry
Or come close
to losing my shit

I'll be the queen
of my growing stable.
And kill you with kindness
You'll never see it coming

Is it me
or you.

Bitch.

7 of 9

George Petty, calendar pin-up, 1947
Originally uploaded by Gatochy.

Mmmm hmm, yeah, really. That sounds great - really, they did that -funny! Wow! Anyhing else? Aww that's sweet.

Me, shopping for lingerie, doing my nails, eating bon bons. Don't my legs look great. Cute shoes.

Oh, oops, call waiting. Gotta go.

Not An Addict - that's a lie

Breathe it in and breathe it out
And pass it on, it's almost out
We're so creative, so much more
We're high above but on the floor

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side

The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
(Nothing means a thing to me)

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

Free me, leave me
Watch me as I'm going down
Free me, see me
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.

An addict, me? Oh god or am I? I think I'm in Lithium and Naltrexone withdrawl but I hate how I feel on that shit. What to do Roxanna? Do I let the pink elephants trample through my head or smush them down with another dose??

Hysterically Blind Casino Royale

Over the weekend, Mr Ken,was telling me he had found some old funny letters of mine. I had to laugh. I can't believe he saved that shit. Man! I guess I have some old photos of Ken that I just stuffed on to flickr. We go out to dinner at a crazy Thai place - Ruam Mit Thai in St Paul. There were more people standing in the doorway then sitting down. It was a madhouse. But it was worth it. Ken asks if I want to accompany him to a poker game with his band friends. Earlier, I had seen the movie, "Casino Royale," and the beautiful woman pictured above is there to distract the other players. I asked Ken if I should wear a strappy dress - like the girl in the movie. He didn't understand. So I stayed in my flannel shirt and hiking boots. His band friends are fun and while I didn't play I seemed to be good luck for old Ken. All I was doing was joking around and being funny. I don't get poker. Not one bit.

At my therapist today, I told him I get nervous around people in social settings. I worry I'll offend them. And I've said some really dumb stuff. I joked with a lady who worked with alcoholics that she should have a glass of scotch. She laughed but I got reprimanded later for that comment. How the hell would I know she worked with alcoholics? Although a nurse I know got in a car accident - she comes roaring out of the car yelling at the other driver, "What the fuck is wrong with you - are you retarded??" And sadly the guy WAS retarded. Oh oops! At some point with my therapist I asked if I could say it was due to some disease or some excuse like that. And my therapist said I could claim hysterical blindness. It's not in the DSM-III-R for those in the know. It would be classified as a conversion disorder. I told my therapist I would get a medic alert bracelet that said I had hysterical blindness. He laughed. Now I really gotta go get one.

If I claim hysterical blindness at the next poker game,I wouldn't notice the other players staring at my strappy low cut dress. Or would they be staring at my medic alert bracelet. It would be a whole 'nother therapy session.

Wicked Game

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I knew somebody like you.

No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you. With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,

I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you no,

No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I... (This world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one.

Never There

I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby, you're never there

On the phone long, long distance
Always through such strong resistance
First you say you're too busy
I wonder if you even miss me

Never there
You're never there
You're never, ever, ever, ever there

Minnesota Valley National Wildlife Refuge

Trail
Originally uploaded by D. S. Hałas.

At my one of my therapist's office, I asked him if I was obsessed with James. He said, "I dont' think you're obsessed but you're very fond of him." And I am. He went on to tell me that he had a female client that was obsessed with him. He'd look out his window and see her sitting on the grass across from the office building. She'd be there for hours. He guessed it gave her comfort just to be near his office. And he is a really nice peaceful guy.

At his office a few weeks ago, I looked out the window (the lady wasn't there) and I saw the vistor center for the Minnesota Valley National Wildlife Refuge. It's right down the street from his office. He was pointing to it and talking about the trails that follow the river. I asked him if they connected to the trails by the old Cedar Ave bridge. The same trails. I just hadn't been on the trails by the vistor's center. I vowed to park at that center and walk on the trails. Today was a gorgeous 50˚ sunny day. And I parked there, right by my therapist's office and walked on the trails. I almost sat on the grass and looked up to his office. Just for fun. But I'm not obsessed. Well, not with the therapist.

Walker Sculpture Garden

I have to credit this person's nice photo of the Cowles Conservatory. I had to go and smell the gorgeous humid dirt smell. Usually I go the night I go to the British Advertising Awards but they close alot earlier (those bastards!) So I parked near and walked through the conservatory on my way to get my weekly allergy shot. It was heavenly. Then I wandered around the sculpture garden. It's a treasure trove of memories. I was there with my MCAD film class and we were shooting the newly installed sculpture garden.

My sister and I did a silly film that involved the Spoon Bridge and Cherry. Again, not my photo. I have walked through the garden winter and summer. One hot summer night, I was there on a sculpture that is like a big swing. My date and I sat on it and talked and laughed and swang and swung. Life seemed pretty perfect at that point.

I walked across the bridge to Loring Park. I've helped with ice cream trucks and carts and have even sold my art there last summer. I was a featured artist! I don't know if it helped. It was nice. It was warm (30˚) only in Minnesota is 30˚ warm. Nicollet Mall was festive and lit up and the sounds of street muscians and Salvation Army Bell ringers filled the air. I'll try to get into to see Mary Poppins at the now Macy's. The line was too long.

Supernova

I have looked all over the place
But you have got my favorite face
Your eyelashes sparkle like gilded grass
And your lips are sweet and slippery like a cherub's bare wet ass

'Cause you're a human supernova
A solar superman
You're an angel with wings afire
A flying, giant friction blast

You walk in clouds of glitter and the sun reflects your eyes
And everytime the wind blows, I can smell you in the sky
Your kisses are as wicked as an F-16
And you fuck like a volcano, and you're everything to me

'Cause you're a human supernova
A solar superman
You're an angel with wings afire
A flying, giant friction blast
You're a giant, flying friction blast

'Cause you're a human supernova
A solar superman
You're an angel with wings afire
A flying, giant friction blast

Missing you

I was at the gym today for the first time in months. Since spring. The last time I was there - James was with me. I think I remember watching him in the mirror. He was running on a treadmill, I was on a cross trainer. I caught his eye and waved. I knew it would be the last time I'd see his reflection in the mirror at the gym. I've been putting off going to the gym. James was my motivation for getting me there. And then we'd go to work together after our workout. My job has changed and they don't want my help. And James is gone. I went to the gym with alot of trepidation. And when I was on the treadmill, I looked for his reflection in the mirror. Hoping maybe it had stayed, or by some miracle he'd be there. He wasn't. I choked down my tears and kept going.

In the book, "The Right Words at the Right Time," a woman writes about her husband saying, "I do know that things aren't right when we're not together, and I don't ever not want to be together with you."

I keep hoping I'll stop missing him. Stop thinking about him. You'd think after these seven months, I'd be missing him less. But it's true - things aren't right when we're not together.

Montana

From the movie, "Hunt for Red October"

Then I will live in Montana,
and I will marry
a round American woman
and raise rabbits,
and she will cook them for me,
and I will have a pickup truck...

or a...
possibly even
a recreational vehicle
and drive from state to state.

Do they let you do that?

In the book, "Sybil," a woman who had multiple personalities and was severely abused by her own mother, would pretend that she had a mother in Montana. She had never been there but had a rich fantasy that this "The Montana mother" was everything her own mother wasn't. The Montana mother was kind, affectionate and warm. She goes on at great length the differences between her fantasy and her real mother.

I've been thinking that I 'd like something like a Montana life. Where I am a sucessful, healthy artist and I live in a clean organized house. Not necessarily in Montana. I like the idea of the Montana mother or a fantasy Montana life. Kinda like Captain in Hunt for Red October and his fantasy about Montana. I just have to get there before I get shot down.

The picture above is of an old car with Montana plates.

I would like
to have seen Montana.

Knight in shining armor

I was at a party with some married friends of mine. Most of the party I was feeling comfortable, having a good time. The host of the party was explaining why he carried a handgun in his truck. He lives on a farm and it's for things like possums in the barn - not because the possums might carjack him. He also went on to say it was to defend his wife and family. He was talking about how he'd kill someone if they tried to hurt anyone in his family. And while it sounded sort of archaic and macho, I've never had one say they'd protect me like that. That they'd be willing to kill someone if they were harming me. After that I leave the room and some guy starts joking around asking who's married, who is a couple. I have no one. I don't realize that I've turned on my cell phone just a few minutes too late. I suddenly start feeling lonely.

On the ride home, the husband made similar comments about protecting his wife. Albeit a bit more angry but the same intent. He'd never let anyone hurt his wife. And he went on to say he hates when he sees friends get picked on. How he has had to protect his friends. And how he hates bullys. After hearing these stories of men protecting their families, how they'd come to their rescue, I got in the car and cried and screamed. I have no one, and I've never had anyone want to defend my honor in such a big way. They all just fucking walk away and let the dragons win.

Anger, what?

Actually the place above is Angkor Wat; regarded as the supreme masterpiece of Khmer architecture, it is a huge pyramid temple built by Suryavarman II between 1113 and 1150.

I like to pronounce anger as angor and then it's fun to add the wat part.

Today I was walking to my allergist. I kept getting angrier and angrier. It was weird. I had no idea where it was coming from. The ladies at the allergist office cracked me up with a story of a stuffed dog. I left after my shot and I was fuming even more. Then crying as I walked up Nicollet. Good thing I didn't go to Dayton's. (Not Macy's) for the display. I go home eat a spicy bowl of curry and go to my teacher, Carol Lowell, for a healing session. I lay down in her office and just floated. I could feel how hot her hands were. And this sense great of peace came over me. Afterwards, she told me I let go of alot of anger and sadness. I told her about marching around Minneapolis just pissed at the world. She wasn't surprised. It's common to start releasing stuff before a healing. Oh, that makes total sense!

I left the Center and went to the grocery store. I felt like when you have a tooth removed and you keep poking at the empty space in your mouth. There's this big hole where all this anger used to be. It still feels odd to both feel peaceful and have so much anger gone. The picture above of the Angkor looks holy and peaceful. Peaceful Angkor. Ha ha.