Ain't no sunshine

Except I sing it "Ain't no sunshine when HE's gone."

Any time he goes away. Any time he goes away.

It's the plumber

I've come to fix the sink!
Another favorite from the Electric Company. I forgot how funky their logo was!

Dawn Portrait of a Teenage Runaway 1976 - Eve Plumb

I saw this long ago as an after school special. Jan Brady as a hooker. Thanks Cranky Recaps!

Eggie songs

When my sister was really young, about three, she'd be swinging on those big, old, metal swing sets they have at the park and she'd sing cute little songs. It's probably a standard three year old thing - cute little made up songs. Her songs were always about someone or something called Eggie. Eggie lived in a dandelion is all I can remember of what she'd sing. It was really cute.

I know this guy who sings me Eggie type songs. I have some I saved on a tape, one involves a bumble bee, a bum bum bumble bee and a wigwam. Today I got a cute song along with a great hug and sadly I can't remember any part of it. Only that it was really cute and made me smile.

Trellis

Long ago I had this vision of someone - in a few years from now, we're by a white building - maybe a church or an old farm house and there's a flowered trellis. I had on a filmy, white dress and there were flowers everywhere - in my hair and on my dress. Maybe it's a wedding or something like that. There are tons of people around us, it's sunny and warm and everyone is in a good mood. I don't see his face in my vision, but I can see his shoes. A pair of red Chuck Taylors. And the suit is pinstriped. I reach up in my vision to put my hands on his shoulders. And we walk through the trellis. I am the happiest person in the world. That pinstriped suit is the same on that's hanging in my upstairs closet.

James and I were walking tonight along the river parkway. I don't think he noticed when I grabbed onto his shoulder to see, to check. It's feels like the one that's in my vision.

Thinking

What the hell was I thinking. Saturday, I was feeling crappy and thinking too much. About him. I'm realizing how he'll drop everything for his brother(s) and for me it's an I'll see, let me ask, I dunno, I'll have to check. There's a dinner for my dad I've known about for months - asking him stupidly, do you want to go? I'll see, let me ask, I dunno. Maybe he's just not that into me. So I go to Amazon and pull up the book shown. And ask him point blank, "Are you're just not that into me?" And he knows I've been feeling crappy, moody, and ampy. And what was he thinking when he said. Yes. Yes, you are way more into me than am into you. And hearing the truth punched me in the gut. I lost my breath and my shit. And only regained it when I went into that crying, gasping shit you shouldn't do at work. What was I thinking to even ask? But I had to know.

So what am I thinking, forgiving him, for laughing at it today when I feel better. What the fuck am I thinking?

Ladies Man Love Poem

Courvoisier, Love and the Butt - what else do you need???

Hurts, Doughnut

I'd always fall for that joke in grade schoo; someone would ask, "Do you want a doughnut?" As a fat kid with a sugar addiction - what do you think I would I say. And then I'd get a punch on the arm. "Hurts, Don't it!" And I'd fall for it over and over still hoping that there still might be a doughnut involved. Even a powdered sugar or even a (yecchhhhhhhhh) plain cake. Or maybe a chocolate iced, creme filled!.

It does hurt. My heart, my body, my soul. I'm grouchy and tired and I don't trust anyone.

I'll believe you when I see you there.

Farmhouse

Last year, he moves away,
and it breaks my heart
Then there's talk of
some stupid farmhouse.

I'd ask what about us,
Can we plan a place for us,
instead he'd talk about a spare room
in that stupid farmhouse.

He had planned to come back, later that fall
but he surprised me by saying
he was taking some classes
to build that stupid farmhouse.

He told me once
when it's all built
he plans to live
in that stupid farmhouse.

There's even a woman
with the same dreams
they can share that spare room
in the stupid farmhouse.

Everyday I tell him
to go pack his bags
too bad it's not built yet
that stupid farmhouse.

I have the speech ready
to say what a waste
to give it all up
for a stupid farmhouse.

Kryptonite

There is one substance that is my downfall, something that brings me to my knees. Cheap cake with icing. Honest to god. Also pretty much any sugary baked goodies. But white cake. Ah white cake with cheap frosting. I was out looking for donuts this morning for a coworker's birthday. I stop at two small bakeries. I want the big selection, sprinkles, Long Johns, crullers, the works. I have to resort to Cub. While they do make awesome donuts, it's buying from a Con huge co. I'm filling up the box. And there is a dazzling selection - just as I hoped. Then I see a lady with a huge white frosting cake on a table. She's cutting it up and giving it away. I'm pausing while she gets some pieces out ready to give away. And there's a corner piece loaded with frosting. I can't resist. Oh god, it's good! I stuff it in my mouth while carrying a whole 'nother box of sugary kryptonite. Such sweet surrender. I gotta have a salad for dinner. Just lettuce. No dressing.

Edge of Night

When I was a kid, my mom watched this soap, Edge of Night. What a great name. I remember those spooky black and white credits. Edge of Night sounds ominous. Scary. She and my Aunt Gen watched it together. My mom in Chicago and Aunt Gen in LA. They'd compare notes - talk about the characters.

I called my mom tonight. I gave her the updates on my soap opera life - who was sick, who was addicted, who had what psych disorder, who was on thin ice. All that shit. She told me to write it all down and publish it. Other friends have said the same thing. When do I do it? Do I wait for it to be over, for him to move away, to see what happens?

I've always wondered, if your life IS a soap opera then do you need to watch more?

Once in a Lifetime

When I hear this in the car, I have to do the moves - like in the video. I heard it today and needed a refresher course.

Malcolm McLaren - Buffalo Gals

I used to listen to this in college. I didn't know it had a video. Something made me start singing this at work and I had to find it. Man. The memories of playing this for my roommate and how much she hated it. So I played it more.

Girlfriend

Once I was his girlfriend.
I think it was an accident said one summer night.
Maybe he's regretted it ever since.
Who knows.

I wash the clothes he leaves behind
Make sure there's good liquor
And wood for the fireplace
But I'm not his girlfriend.

I buy food he likes
and work at his company.
Sometimes he takes me to his family's events
But I'm not his girlfriend.

He goofs up sometimes
He slips and forgets
and calls me his girlfriend.
I try to call him on it - but then he clams up.
I forget that I'm not his girlfriend.

He tells other women he's not interested in them
He doesn't want to date anyone
Or have any girlfriends.
But I'm not his girlfriend.

I've been waiting for four years
Watching him move from place to place.
Waiting for him to grow up
but mostly he's grown apart from me.
The girl who's not his girlfriend.

My friends tell me how fucking stupid I am.
Waiting, helping him out
Sleeping with him
Pretending and
Playing house sometimes.

I may never be his girlfriend again.
And that might be my choice.

Addiction / Obsession

From the song, "She talks to Angels" by the Black Crowes;

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, shell tell you shes an orphan
After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet

Addiction - being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming (especially alcohol or narcotic drugs)

Most of my friends tell me I'm addicted. And that I'm obsessed. But I can quit at any time. I can walk away. Sort of. For a few hours. I have stayed away for weeks. Only one phone call a day. But it was bottles of liquor (now in my living room windows as a badge, a purple heart of sort) that helped me through. It was vials of crazy pills and smokey piles of sage and palo santo. And knowing it wasn't permanent.

I asked an expensive out of network doctor if I was obsessed. He asked me if I was stalking him. If I just sat under his window and watched him day and night. I wasn't and I didn't. But this guy takes over my life, and I end up answering the phones, and taking the orders. Happily.

But do I do it because I'm addicted, because I'm obsessed? Or is it love?

Perfect man qualifications

Here's my perfect man:

Funny and smart - if you're not that - stop reading now.

I am the top of your list. If I have a really important event and I ask you to accompany me, the answer is not "Uh, I'll see, I'll ask if I can go. Uh, other stuff is more important than you." The only answer is, "Yes, I will be there, you can count on me. You do so much for me - it's the least I can do." With no fucking hesitation. Especially if I have given time and energy to you and your causes.

A gorgeous, muscular, healthy fit body.

That you'd fight to be with me. You'd be mad enough to kill someone if they fucked with me. Or with our relationship.

You'd be amazingly attracted to me. Forever.

You'd be mature enough to have a job you liked, your own house and a car. And money in the bank. And know how to keep and maintain all of them.

You'd have healthy relationships with your friends, family and your self. And yearly check ups at the doctor and dentist without my nagging.

A fucking set of balls. And the ability to use them.

You'd be able to communicate well. With everyone.

The ability to take time off and have fun.

An upbeat attitude.

Patient, kind, sweet.

If you can fill ALL of these qualifications - I'm yours. Not just one or two. Fuck that. I'm tired of second best. Or last on the list.

As crazy as whales on stilts...

As crazy as
whales on stilts
is what
my friends
think of me.

Of wishing
And hoping
That someday
All this
Will
Eventually
Pay off.

Big Bunny Motel, Lakewood CO

Big Bunny Motel Lakewood CO
Originally uploaded by Neato Coolville.

They gotta stay somewhere. Happy Easter!

Moonstruck

Come upstairs. I don't care why you
come. No, that's not what I mean.
Loretta, I love you. Not like they
told you love is and I didn't know
this either. But love don't make
things nice, it ruins everything, it
breaks your heart, it makes things a
mess. We're not here to make things
perfect. Snowflakes are perfect. The
stars are perfect. Not us. We are
here to ruin ourselves and break our
hearts and love the wrong people and
die! The storybooks are bullshit.
Now I want you yo come upstairs with me
and get in my bed!

Kissing A Fool

You are far,
When I could have been your star,
You listened to people,
Who scared you to death, and from my heart,
Strange that I was wrong enough,
To think youd love me too.
I guess you were kissing a fool,
You must have been kissing a fool.

For all of those I've loved and lost