Thinking

What the hell was I thinking. Saturday, I was feeling crappy and thinking too much. About him. I'm realizing how he'll drop everything for his brother(s) and for me it's an I'll see, let me ask, I dunno, I'll have to check. There's a dinner for my dad I've known about for months - asking him stupidly, do you want to go? I'll see, let me ask, I dunno. Maybe he's just not that into me. So I go to Amazon and pull up the book shown. And ask him point blank, "Are you're just not that into me?" And he knows I've been feeling crappy, moody, and ampy. And what was he thinking when he said. Yes. Yes, you are way more into me than am into you. And hearing the truth punched me in the gut. I lost my breath and my shit. And only regained it when I went into that crying, gasping shit you shouldn't do at work. What was I thinking to even ask? But I had to know.

So what am I thinking, forgiving him, for laughing at it today when I feel better. What the fuck am I thinking?