Egg and Toast

When I was little, a treat my mom would make would be fried eggs on toast. She'd usually make this if she and my father were going out to dinner. So I have bittersweet memories of egg and toast. I'd get the yummy runny eggs and crisp toast but this came with the fact that my parents were going out for the evening. My mom would scurry around the kitchen in her out to dinner clothes and smelling of perfume. I was out walking today in the 15º sunny cold. I was walking by the aptly named Hidden Falls. I found this gorgeous path by the river. Walking back to my car I was thinking what I wanted for lunch. Egg and toast. A sunny meal to celebrate a sunny day.

Gladiator

I had a past life regression tonight. I was married to a gladiator. I think we lived in Europe. My husband then is my current ex. Even though my then family was against me marrying him, I was so in love with him I thought it would all work out fine. We had a sweet life for a while and a little home but he was killed in battle. I was brought to a temple to see his body laid out on an altar. My little girl needed me but I was too distraught. I ran away to a cliff that overlooked our estate and I threw myself off the cliff knowing I could never love anyone else ever again.

Gashlycrumb Tinies

Back in college, I worked at a place called Jeron Camera (now Wolf Camera). My boss, Marv, was a hoot. He had all sorts of weird things in his office. He had samples of fake hair that he'd bring out. He liked that none of us overlapped in hair color. Silly, crazy. He'd ask you if you'd seen the picture of his kid and then he'd point to the picture of K is for Kate on his wall. I loved it. Since he only had that one picture - I had no idea where it came from. Discovering the whole alphabet poster in some mall poster store I bought it in Marv's honor. But during a move it got horribly torn and I threw it away. I don't know what made me look for it today. Maybe because of the ennui (my personal favorite) Or see the whole alphabet!

Going round in circles

I've got a song I ain't got no melody
How'm I gonna sing it with my friends
I've got a song I ain't got no melody
How'm I gonna sing it with my friends

Will it go round in circles
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky
Will it go round in circles
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky

I've got a lil' story ain't got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while
I've got a lil' story ain't got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while

Will it go round in circles
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky
Will it go round in circles
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky

I've got a lil' dance ain't got no steps
I'm gonna let the music move me around
I've got a dance I ain't got no steps
I'm gonna let the music move me around

Will it go round in circles
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky
Will it go round in circles
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky

I've got a song I ain't got no melody
How'm I gonna sing it with my friends
I've got a song I ain't got no melody
How'm I gonna sing it with my friends

Will it go round in circles
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky
Will it go round in circles
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky

Going to the Dark Side

I had this dark sad post planned about wanting to go to the dark side. You know the constant, "I saw something nasty in the woodshed." I'll never be happy, it's no use fighting the dark side. I should resign myself that I'm doomed to be both my mom and Aunt Bea, (a fat little tub) I was trolling around Youtube and found a Darth Vader video clip that's more funny than dark.

Spinning

This weekend has my mind spinning. From things said, things not said. One thing stands out - a speech made by a best man to his brother. Talking about the groom needing the bride and the bride needing the groom. I recall a conversation with this best man,

"I need you." I said to him. And he replied, "Why, and why me?" I asked if he ever needed anyone and he coldly replied, "No, I don't need anyone."

So I wonder how this best man could understand about people needing each other when he doesn't have any needs. And needs no one. Needs no one. Is this what I need in my life? Someone who makes my head spin, keeps me confused. And stupid me - I keep letting him.

Thanksgiving

I have dream of Thanksgiving being just like this Norman Rockwell picture. Honest to god. The lighting, the white WASPy faces, a girl in pigtails, a grandma bringing out the gorgeous turkey. Even though it's my mom bringing out a Howard Kaufman turkey, and none of the dishes match, and there'll be something new like greek dolmas or even bagels and lox (really - but it was good) Thanksgiving is different to everyone. And my family is weird and laughs too loud. And the kids run around spilling the 11 bottles of wine. And there's couscous and Czech liquor and big chocolate turkeys. But it's home as weird and silly and so not like Norman Rockwell picture one bit. And it never will be. But that's ok.

Turkey Day Marathon

I miss the old days of watching the MST3K Turkey Day marathon and making the food at the same time. One MST3K Turkey Marathon long ago Crow said something like, "Turkey Fact #12: Turkeys are filled with enough L-Tryptophan to knock you on your sorry Thanksgiving Day ass." I'll be driving on Thanksgiving with the food in my back seat. Happy Thanksgiving.

Wee Bit of Scotch

My dear friend, Dave, was about to go off to basic training, then become a JAG. He's no spring chicken and I've been a bit scared and worried. I have to - I'm jewish. He calls tonight and I'm shocked to see his name on my caller ID. He tells me at the very last minute there was some snafu about meds he took once, but not taking now but still on his record. What a pisser! He may be able to go in January. He was calling me from an outdoor cafe somewhere in San Francisco having a latte and a cigar.

I told him of my busy day and some communication issues I had. My intuition was all off. I went to get an oil change and there were tons of cars waiting. Fuck. I was using logic, not intuition. At 1 pm there shouldn'tve been any cars but for some fucking reason the stupid Saturn was packed. And it's been going like that all day. If I'd listened to my intuition I wouldn't wasted so much time.

I promised Dave I'd have some Scotch in his honor. And in a bit I will to end this crazy day. If I had some 25 year old Macallan - I'd drink it. I'll have to make do with some cheaper stuff. I hope both of our days are better ones.

Carving a pumpkin

Oh yeah, I'd wear this get up to carve a pumpkin. I'm sure I'd keep my little apron all nice and neat. No cold goey pumpkin glurp on my naked flesh. Or down my push up bra. No sirree bob! Oh and heels too. Nice try. Ha ha ha.

Camp Coldwater

I've seen pictures of this place in the paper. This is an old picture.
Thanks MNHS!

From MPR, "The spring that feeds Coldwater Creek spills into a stone-walled reservoir built well over a century ago. The creek flows into the Mississippi River near where it meets the Minnesota River. Many people point to the spring as the cradle of modern Minnesota's existence. As the clearest and fastest flowing water source in the area, it was an amenity for the U.S. Army soldiers who built nearby Fort Snelling in the 1820s."

But it's on Government property. And you can be shot if you try to get on the land. Or something similar. I was wandering around on Saturday on path that runs parallel to the bike path. I could see a historic marker probably near the spring from this high vantage point. And a security guard in a car with a cheesey security logo. It was good recon to see where he parked. On Sunday, I went back but I took the path that runs through the state park. It's shady and foresty and really pretty. I tried to remember where the spring was - it's hard to see the buildings from the state park path. Then I find a big hole in the fence and a government warning sign. Ok ok they'll shot me or make me listen to Rush Limbaugh. I creep up the hill - like some old NBC or CBS mystery movie. Just like Crow and Tom. I creep up the hill, and I don't see Mr Security and there it is! The spring and the old building looking a bit more worn.

Baby Got Back

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
If you wanna role in my Mercedes (yeah)
Then turn around
Stick it out
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back

Oh my god, they killed Kenny

About a million years ago, (or 17 is it 17, oh shit) I was on a film shoot. I had done one commercial for this company and they hinted if I did this free one - other jobs could follow. And I needed the experience. It was a piece for an advertising awards show. A ten day shoot. I was one of the only people who was there for the whole thing. One day, we were shooting at the old Stillwater prison. It had these crusty jail cells and it was nice and creepy. There was this guy doing the sound, Ken. For some reason I made a joke about needing some Maalox Whip and he turned around, laughed and was the only person there who knew what it was. (Maalox in an aerosol can that was like dessert topping.) From that day on, we knew we shared an odd sense of humor. And when people ask us where we met, I always gleeful respond, "In prison!!!"

One fall day, I had this thought of taking a picture of Ken in his classic Bonneville. The red blood and green car. And he went along with it. So I dug out the photos from that old shoot and I'll give him the printouts tonite at his birthday party. We met in prison and I killed him. That's what friends are for. Happy Birthday Ken.

Song Mac Arthur Park

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!

The first time I heard this I was not paying attention until that line about a cake out in the rain. That couldn't be it. And it is. Cakes left out in the rain. Man what were we joking about that made me sing this song?

Chuckwagon

I have lots of Chuckwagon-y stuff in my life. Long long ago there was a commercial for Chuck Wagon dog food. The little chuck wagon would disappear into the cabinet. The little cowboys on the chuckwagon were shouting something like,"Ya ya chuckwagon, chuckwagon." If I see something named or that looks like a chuckwagon. Umm let's just say it's best to just stay away from me until I can get it out of my head. Ya ya chuck wagon.

There's a photo on flickr of a great Chuckwagon restaurant. That's what got me on this track.

Last week, I was in the Chicago area. I picked up my sister at O'hare and asked her if she was hungry. I was hoping she'd want to go to her old haunt The Wilmette Chuckwagon. And long ago me and the man of my dreams went to yet another Chuckwagon restaurant out in Brooklyn Center, MN that he remembered from his childhood. It's not a tiny hamburger joint like the Wilmette, but the wagon wheel decor rocked. I know, they're all over I have a picture of one in New Mexico. Again Ya ya chuck wagon.

Drive me wild

Two silly things about driving and wild. With a Floyd

Matches, little girl and a phone

Like the little match girl
I close my eyes
and for a second
you're here
right there
in the room
with me
and I can
feel you
you're real

but the call
like the match
ends
and again
I'm cold
and lonely

waiting
for
your
voice
again

Time Traveling

I’m reading the book, The Time Traveler's Wife. Henry is the time traveler who first meets his future wife, Clare, when she’s 6. He gets unavoidably whisked around in time. He disappears from a scene in, say, 1998 to find himself suddenly, usually without his clothes, which mysteriously disappear in transit, at an entirely different place 10 years earlier-or later. Clare never knows if he’ll disappear or if he’ll reappear 10 years older. They met when he was 36 so when she meets him at age 28 – he doesn’t know her. It’s crazy and it messes up my head. But it’s sweet. At one point, she’s asked if she misses him. She says, “Every day, every minute.” It makes me ache to think of loving someone who could disappear into thin air.

I was at some friend’s house last night. They were just being themselves, opening wine, and putting the pizza in the oven. Their little girl played with her toys and the dog wandered around, a happy chaos. It’s so different from my quiet house. And for a while I was lost in their happy, tame domestic life. But then I had to go. Back into the literal cold night and back to my quiet, lonely house. How I ache for that again. A little house filled with love and laughter, how I want to time travel and see if it ever happens to me again. Or would I be disappointed and saddened to find I am always the third wheel. Always looking into the miniature Thorne rooms from outside, just dreaming. Am I always standing on the edge of sea waiting for him to come back from his journey, wherever he is. To know or not know.

It's you, it's you, only you

Lene Lovich - It's You, Only You


It's you
Who haunts my dreams
Just out of reach
With the sweet smile
And warm eyes

I've been dreaming of you
Forever
And looking for you
Even longer

Countless times
I thought I've found you
And every time
I've song this song

I Keep Forgetting

I keep forgettin' we're not in love anymore
I keep forgettin' things will never be the same again
I keep forgettin' how you made that so clear
I keep forgettin' every time that you are near

Dick

LLOYD
Okay, what did we just decide?

DIANE
We decided...

LLOYD
'Cause I'm worried, did you just break up with me?

DIANE
No, no.

LLOYD
It sounded like you did.

DIANE
No. We decided that we're friends. I mean, I know it's a terrible word...

LLOYD
Well, if we're friends, why can't we see each other?

DIANE
I think that we should stop going out on dates.

LLOYD
I feel like a dick. You must think I'm a dick.

DIANE
No, I don't, I don't.

LLOYD
Yeah you do.

DIANE
Lloyd, we shared the most intimate thing two people can share.

LLOYD
You shared it with a dick.

Confused (an original piece)

Confused
Originally uploaded by margaretchanwk.

My wires are tangled
and my sprockets are sprung
Does it ever come together
or will it always be apart?

I want to send him love letters
and then rip them to tiny shreds
I want to hold on tight
But I'd never take him back.

I want to see a psychic
or an astrologer
I want to know the future
and forget about the past.

From the movie, Moonstruck - Johnny's Brother

RONNY
Will you marry me, Loretta Castorini
Clark?

LORETTA
Before all these people, yes, I will
marry you, Ronny Cammareri!

She takes the ring. Ronny and Loretta kiss.

ROSE
Do you love him, Loretta?

LORETTA
Yeah, Ma, I love him awful.

ROSE
Oh God, that's too bad.

From the movie, Moonstruck - Johnny

ROSE

Do you love him, Loretta?

LORETTA
No.

ROSE
Good. When you love them they drive
you crazy cause they know they can.

I don't want you...

I don't want you on my mind all the time
I believe that it shows a sign of weakness
I don't want no lonely nights that gets me cryin'
I found out I don't get nowhere with weakness
Every dream about you
I just wake up knowing that I've got to do without you

I don't want all the time doin' up my mind
I don't want you on my mind all the time

There's a bear in the woods

There's a bear in the woods. Happy Election Day! I wish I could embed the bear.

Babadosh

The argument continues...

Babadeesh

Look these cute kids. I am their fun aunt.

Gotta have faith faith faith

Before this river
Becomes an ocean
Before you throw my heart back on the floor
Oh baby I reconsider
My foolish notion
Well I need someone to hold me
But I'll wait for something more

Yes I've gotta have faith...

Say Anything

DIANE
Nobody thought we'd do this. Nobody really thinks it's going to work, do they?

LLOYD
No. You just described every great success story.

DIANE
I know.

They look at the smoking sign.

Where's the ding?

LLOYD
It's coming... any second now... any second now.

The ding sounds.

BLACKOUT.

CREDITS ROLL.

Bitter and alone

I should be more bitter
Stop telling him, "I love you"
Even when all the love songs
Were only about him.

I should be more angry
Stop answering his calls
I should tear up his photos
And just be alone.

But I have this dash of hope
It's stupid but it's true
We'll never be like that again
I shouldn't even dream.

Happy Halloween 2006

My porch
Originally uploaded by Debora Drower.

It was a hard one. The first that I did it totally solo, han. The men in my life never help me with all this crazy light stuff but I like help with the handing out of the candy. Sometimes starting the fire. I had to figure out the fog machine and start the fire and try not to be so depressed. There used to be dry ice, but I bought a fog machine instead. I put on my tiger coat, stood there and gave out about 25 lbs of candy to 121 kids. My sugar high is about to come down. I got through it. I should go eat more candy.